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My Momma and Me (by Abbigayle)


My Abbigayle wrote me a beautiful poem for my birthday. Here it is:

My Momma and Me

When I was born, with my crossed toes and big blue eyes. I know it was my momma and me.
2 years old and I giggle and run. I play with blocks and toys and stuffed animals too. We build a pretend kingdom and become princesses, my momma and me.

4 years old, and I’m starting to learn. I sing the alphabet and count numbers too. I tell daddy what I learned and he says, “That’s my girl!” Momma knows an awful lot, so I follow her around and copy her too. Doing school, my momma and me.

6 years old and I’m playing pretend. I have my dolls, and their big stroller too. I’m a little momma, now I’ll tell you what to do. But playing is no fun by yourself…. So we play together, just my momma and me.

8 years old, and I’m feeling big. I have chores to do, and big girl school too. As I do dishes, I’m gonna need some help. So it no longer is a chore because it is fun doing things as my momma and me.

10 years old, and boy have I grown. I can cook and bake, almost anything I bet I could make! I start to pull out flour and sugar, but I realize someone is missing… So we bake together, my momma and me.

12 years old, and I’m doing just fine. I spend time with friends and have a good time. But it is more fun to be at home, because then we can craft… My momma and me.

14 years old, and the naughty girls got in my head. Now I cry in my room when I should be in bed. But there is someone who wipes my tears and says that it’s okay, this person comes in and saves the day. Long nights in my room, my momma and me.

16 years old, I’m trying to figure life out. But let me say it is quite stressful trying to find my way in this world, and I often need someone who has been there. So sitting on her bed talking, my momma and me.

Someday I will be 18 years old, and I will have learned a lot. I’ll be ready for the world, or at least I will try… But there is no doubt in my mind that I’ll never be too big for some quality time, with just my momma and me.
When the time is right it’ll be my wedding day. Flowers and dresses and bows in our hair. I know who will be my Maid of Honor, the one right next to me. It’ll be the one who was always there no matter what, the one that made me realize when I was being a butt. The one who made everything okay. If you still have no clue, we’ll be up there together… My momma and me.

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It’s Our Life!!

Happy New Year!!
Enjoy this little video of our life…
It’s Our Life!!

Blessings in 2016!
~Adrian, Beckie,
Ike, Gabe, Abbie, Phoebie, Kai, Lollie, Ayden, Ben, Lish, Maggie, & Essie

 

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Empty

miscarriage

The definition of miscarriage is: the expulsion of a fetus from the womb before it is able to survive independently, especially spontaneously or as the result of accident.

That definition does not even begin to explain miscarriage.
A better definition would be: empty.

A miscarriage does not only leave you with an empty womb…
A miscarriage leaves you with empty arms and empty dreams.

As soon as you get two lines on a pregnancy test, the dreams begin…
Dreams of the baby’s birth, first steps, first words, first day at Sunday School, graduation day, wedding day, your baby’s first baby… You can see it all, and you look so forward to being a part of the little one’s life.

When a pregnancy ends in miscarriage, the emptiness is all-consuming. All of the plans are gone…and you are left empty.

Though we are thankful for the time that we had…the days we were given to dream…
Our miscarriage left us with an unbearable emptiness.

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Fifty-nine Days

calendar

Eight weeks and three days… That is how long I carried Baby Jakob.

On day fifty-nine, Baby Jakob was born sleeping…in Heaven.

heaven

Fifty-nine days will never be enough, but I will be thankful for each one of them.

Psalm 139:13-16 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[a] Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.

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Waiting for Jakob

jakob

It started with two lines… 

twolines

Four weeks and four days ago…

Two lines… A wee babe… Our family would be growing, again. The love started growing within my belly, immediately, even though our little one was only the size of a mustard seed. I woke Adrian and showed him my two lines. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me close. Twelve children… It had always been my dream. 

Adrian and I kept the news of the baby to ourselves for a while…just enjoying our little secret. We’d whisper fun ideas, how we’d share the news with our kids and our loved ones. 

Because we have lost three babies early in pregnancy, we asked our doctor to run labs to make sure that my hcg levels were multiplying as they should. The numbers looked good, so they scheduled my first OB check for two weeks later.

One morning, when I was about 6 weeks pregnant, during school, Adrian shared our morning prayer. After saying the usual things, he asked the Lord to protect our new baby, and finished the prayer as he normally would. Slowly, all of the kids “got it,” and excitement filled our dining room. The kids were in on our secret and they started making plans right away… Would the baby be a girl or a boy? Who would snuggle the baby the most? When would the baby be born? The kids wrote letters to the newest wee one that day…letters that would be put in a box to be read when the baby could read. 

At 7 weeks and 1 day, Adrian and I went in for our first OB appointment. After all of the initial questions were answered, it was time for the ultrasound. The doctor found the baby right away, but we could see that something was wrong. The doctor explained that the baby only measured 6 weeks along, and there was no heartbeat. She said that she could see a faint “flicker,” and showed us the screen, but she wasn’t sure if it was the baby’s heartbeat or me. The doctor had me go to the lab for an hcg test, to see if my levels were multiplying as they should. The initial number was not multiplying as much as it should have (from my last hcg level), but it was still within normal range if I was truly only 6 weeks pregnant. The doctor scheduled another lab for two days. Two days later, the result was in…my hcg was not increasing quickly enough. The nurse used the dreaded words, “viability” and “imminent.” (“The viability of the baby is unlikely and miscarriage is probably imminent.”) I was scheduled for another lab appointment today. My hcg rose, again, today, but not nearly enough. The nurse used more dreaded words, “probable missed miscarriage.” I’ll go back on Wednesday. If my hcg rises, I will have an ultrasound on Thursday.

Our wanted baby… 

Adrian had a dream soon after I showed him my two lines. He dreamed that he was holding a baby boy. When we found out that our wee one may not make it through to delivery, we decided to give him a name. Jakob. Jacob, in the Bible, was the patriarch of the Israelites. He was a strong man of God and was renamed Israel by God. Israel means “wrestle with God.” Though I want this baby desperately, I know that he belongs to God. I do not want to give him back to God, but I understand that he has always belonged to God. I am so very thankful for the time that I have been given…for the two lines, for Adrian’s dream, for the tiny baby on the ultrasound screen…and for this time, as painful as it is, while we wait…

 …for Baby Jakob…

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For Such a Time as This

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As I celebrated my 39th birthday, I reflected on the year that had just gone by…  I thought about all of the joys and all of the disappointments, I thought about where our family has been and where we are going, I thought about how much the kids have grown and all that they have learned.  As I was thinking about it all, I thought about a passage in the Bible.  Esther 4:14b says, “Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”  I believe that we can all relate that verse to our own lives.  “Who knows whether you have come to this State… City… school… job… etc…. for such a time as this?”  The Lord put us where we are for a reason.  We are here, in this very place, at this very moment, because He has a plan for us here…right where we are.

As I have spent so much of my time, over the past year, grumbling about my circumstances, I have forgotten to ask God why He has me here.  What does He want me to do with my “such a time as this”?

As I homeschool my kids, as we go to co-op, as we go to church and Wednesday night activities, as I go to work, as I make dinner and wash laundry, as I snuggle with Adrian and watch a movie, as I cuddle with a sick wee one in the late hours of the night, as I watch for Adrian to come home from work… in all things, I will ask the Lord what His plan is for my “such a time as this.”

THIS TIME…. This time that God has given me…. I will use it to bring Him glory.  I will use it to show Jesus to others through me.  I will stop wasting my “such a time as this.”

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

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Squealing Toddler

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We decided to take a quick trip to the Salvation Army with our Littles.  Abbie needed a new dress for a party and everyone LOVES looking at the different toys and clothes that the Salvation Army has for sale.  As Adrian and Abbie looked at the dresses, the Littles looked at toys.  Maggie was super excited about the assortment of toys, and was squealing with joy.  I sat nearby, as the Littles looked at toys, flipping through children’s books.  

Abbie found her dress after a short time, so we got in line to check out.  I allowed the Littles to continue to look at the toys as we waited in line, within view of the toys.  The Littles giggled and talked, quietly, among themselves.  Maggie continued to squeal in delight. 

When it was finally our turn to check out, I placed our things on the counter.  (I was purchasing a few extra treasures that I had found, in addition to Abbie’s dress.)  The lady at the check out counter looked at me, disgusted, and said, “I wish that little girl would shut up!”  (She was talking about Maggie.)

Shocked, I said, “Well, that makes me sad.  She is my daughter, and she’s squealing because she’s excited to see all of the cool toys in this store!”

“I have this head cold,” the check out lady quickly explained.

“Maybe you should’ve stayed home!”  I suggested, firmly, but quietly.

“She’s a cute girl,” the check out lady explained.  “It’s just that I have this awful headache!”

Had it not been for Abbie’s dress, and the disappointment she would have felt if we didn’t buy it, I would have just left my things on the checkout counter and left the store.  

I decided that I would call the manager and let him know how his check out lady had treated me.  I looked at the woman’s name tag. In addition to her name, was her position with the store.  ‘Store manager.’  Ugh!!

Adrian, after hearing the lady’s crabby comment, walked the Littles to the car while I finished checking out.  The check out lady continued to tell me why my daughter was “killing her head.”  When she finished ringing up my purchases, I thanked her and told her that I hoped she’d be feeling better soon.  

Seriously…  If you work in customer service, perhaps you should like people.  That store manager clearly had a disdain for children…and customers, sometimes, have children.

I will not be frequenting the Salvation Army…  I will spend my money at places that appreciate my business and enjoy my (typically, well behaved) Littles. 

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