Waiting for Jakob

jakob

It started with two lines… 

twolines

Four weeks and four days ago…

Two lines… A wee babe… Our family would be growing, again. The love started growing within my belly, immediately, even though our little one was only the size of a mustard seed. I woke Adrian and showed him my two lines. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me close. Twelve children… It had always been my dream. 

Adrian and I kept the news of the baby to ourselves for a while…just enjoying our little secret. We’d whisper fun ideas, how we’d share the news with our kids and our loved ones. 

Because we have lost three babies early in pregnancy, we asked our doctor to run labs to make sure that my hcg levels were multiplying as they should. The numbers looked good, so they scheduled my first OB check for two weeks later.

One morning, when I was about 6 weeks pregnant, during school, Adrian shared our morning prayer. After saying the usual things, he asked the Lord to protect our new baby, and finished the prayer as he normally would. Slowly, all of the kids “got it,” and excitement filled our dining room. The kids were in on our secret and they started making plans right away… Would the baby be a girl or a boy? Who would snuggle the baby the most? When would the baby be born? The kids wrote letters to the newest wee one that day…letters that would be put in a box to be read when the baby could read. 

At 7 weeks and 1 day, Adrian and I went in for our first OB appointment. After all of the initial questions were answered, it was time for the ultrasound. The doctor found the baby right away, but we could see that something was wrong. The doctor explained that the baby only measured 6 weeks along, and there was no heartbeat. She said that she could see a faint “flicker,” and showed us the screen, but she wasn’t sure if it was the baby’s heartbeat or me. The doctor had me go to the lab for an hcg test, to see if my levels were multiplying as they should. The initial number was not multiplying as much as it should have (from my last hcg level), but it was still within normal range if I was truly only 6 weeks pregnant. The doctor scheduled another lab for two days. Two days later, the result was in…my hcg was not increasing quickly enough. The nurse used the dreaded words, “viability” and “imminent.” (“The viability of the baby is unlikely and miscarriage is probably imminent.”) I was scheduled for another lab appointment today. My hcg rose, again, today, but not nearly enough. The nurse used more dreaded words, “probable missed miscarriage.” I’ll go back on Wednesday. If my hcg rises, I will have an ultrasound on Thursday.

Our wanted baby… 

Adrian had a dream soon after I showed him my two lines. He dreamed that he was holding a baby boy. When we found out that our wee one may not make it through to delivery, we decided to give him a name. Jakob. Jacob, in the Bible, was the patriarch of the Israelites. He was a strong man of God and was renamed Israel by God. Israel means “wrestle with God.” Though I want this baby desperately, I know that he belongs to God. I do not want to give him back to God, but I understand that he has always belonged to God. I am so very thankful for the time that I have been given…for the two lines, for Adrian’s dream, for the tiny baby on the ultrasound screen…and for this time, as painful as it is, while we wait…

 …for Baby Jakob…

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1 Comment

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One response to “Waiting for Jakob

  1. Debbie Hamke

    Prayers are being sent to Heaven for God’s will. God is the potter, we are His clay. There is nothing too hard for Him. Trust and believe, that’s all we can do. Love you kids! Aunt Debbie

    Sent from my iPad

    >

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