It’s Our Life!!

Happy New Year!!
Enjoy this little video of our life…
It’s Our Life!!

Blessings in 2016!
~Adrian, Beckie,
Ike, Gabe, Abbie, Phoebie, Kai, Lollie, Ayden, Ben, Lish, Maggie, & Essie


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The definition of miscarriage is: the expulsion of a fetus from the womb before it is able to survive independently, especially spontaneously or as the result of accident.

That definition does not even begin to explain miscarriage.
A better definition would be: empty.

A miscarriage does not only leave you with an empty womb…
A miscarriage leaves you with empty arms and empty dreams.

As soon as you get two lines on a pregnancy test, the dreams begin…
Dreams of the baby’s birth, first steps, first words, first day at Sunday School, graduation day, wedding day, your baby’s first baby… You can see it all, and you look so forward to being a part of the little one’s life.

When a pregnancy ends in miscarriage, the emptiness is all-consuming. All of the plans are gone…and you are left empty.

Though we are thankful for the time that we had…the days we were given to dream…
Our miscarriage left us with an unbearable emptiness.


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Fifty-nine Days


Eight weeks and three days… That is how long I carried Baby Jakob.

On day fifty-nine, Baby Jakob was born sleeping…in Heaven.


Fifty-nine days will never be enough, but I will be thankful for each one of them.

Psalm 139:13-16 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;[a] Marvelous are Your works, And that my soul knows very well. My frame was not hidden from You, When I was made in secret, And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.

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Waiting for Jakob


It started with two lines… 


Four weeks and four days ago…

Two lines… A wee babe… Our family would be growing, again. The love started growing within my belly, immediately, even though our little one was only the size of a mustard seed. I woke Adrian and showed him my two lines. With tears in his eyes, he hugged me close. Twelve children… It had always been my dream. 

Adrian and I kept the news of the baby to ourselves for a while…just enjoying our little secret. We’d whisper fun ideas, how we’d share the news with our kids and our loved ones. 

Because we have lost three babies early in pregnancy, we asked our doctor to run labs to make sure that my hcg levels were multiplying as they should. The numbers looked good, so they scheduled my first OB check for two weeks later.

One morning, when I was about 6 weeks pregnant, during school, Adrian shared our morning prayer. After saying the usual things, he asked the Lord to protect our new baby, and finished the prayer as he normally would. Slowly, all of the kids “got it,” and excitement filled our dining room. The kids were in on our secret and they started making plans right away… Would the baby be a girl or a boy? Who would snuggle the baby the most? When would the baby be born? The kids wrote letters to the newest wee one that day…letters that would be put in a box to be read when the baby could read. 

At 7 weeks and 1 day, Adrian and I went in for our first OB appointment. After all of the initial questions were answered, it was time for the ultrasound. The doctor found the baby right away, but we could see that something was wrong. The doctor explained that the baby only measured 6 weeks along, and there was no heartbeat. She said that she could see a faint “flicker,” and showed us the screen, but she wasn’t sure if it was the baby’s heartbeat or me. The doctor had me go to the lab for an hcg test, to see if my levels were multiplying as they should. The initial number was not multiplying as much as it should have (from my last hcg level), but it was still within normal range if I was truly only 6 weeks pregnant. The doctor scheduled another lab for two days. Two days later, the result was in…my hcg was not increasing quickly enough. The nurse used the dreaded words, “viability” and “imminent.” (“The viability of the baby is unlikely and miscarriage is probably imminent.”) I was scheduled for another lab appointment today. My hcg rose, again, today, but not nearly enough. The nurse used more dreaded words, “probable missed miscarriage.” I’ll go back on Wednesday. If my hcg rises, I will have an ultrasound on Thursday.

Our wanted baby… 

Adrian had a dream soon after I showed him my two lines. He dreamed that he was holding a baby boy. When we found out that our wee one may not make it through to delivery, we decided to give him a name. Jakob. Jacob, in the Bible, was the patriarch of the Israelites. He was a strong man of God and was renamed Israel by God. Israel means “wrestle with God.” Though I want this baby desperately, I know that he belongs to God. I do not want to give him back to God, but I understand that he has always belonged to God. I am so very thankful for the time that I have been given…for the two lines, for Adrian’s dream, for the tiny baby on the ultrasound screen…and for this time, as painful as it is, while we wait…

 …for Baby Jakob…

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Perhaps I am There for Such a Time as This…


They are there, every morning, when I open up the store…the four of them.  They are pushing garbage cans and gathering cleaning supplies.  George, eagerly, greets me, “Hi, Vicky!”  It took him two months to learn my name…and he still doesn’t ‘know’ it.  “How long have you worked here, Vicky?”  He asks me every morning.  I answer to “Vicky,” and my answer only changes by a day or two, but he seems satisfied with the new knowledge each time I answer.

Elle is always done cleaning first.  She looks so much like my grandma, I just want to hug her.  Every morning, she brings me something…a broken product, an open piece of candy, merchandise that was out of place…and she always tells me, “Tell the police that I gave it to you!”  I assure her that the police are very thankful for her diligence.  She shares stories about the homeless cats she cares for, at her home, and promises me that she feeds them and won’t let them ever be afraid.  She thrives on praise and her smile, when she is proud of herself, is beautiful.

Freddy enjoys sharing his plans for the day.  One day he shared, “I’m going to the movies.”  In his singsong voice, he continued, “I am going to see A-N-N-I-E.”

“You’re going to see ‘Annie?'” I asked.

“I am going to see A-N-N-I-E, ” he repeated, this time making the letters with his forefinger.

“That’ll be great fun!” I answered, realizing that he didn’t know that “A-N-N-I-E” spells “Annie.”  

Many mornings, he will share, “I work tonight, right over there.”  He points across the parking lot to Perkins.  “You should come see me tonight.” 

(Oh, I would love to go see him!!  Maybe, one night, I will!!)

Finally, there is Jennifer.  She is the head of ‘Good Health’ at her group home.  She has lots of great tips.  When the four of them were heading out to breakfast, one morning, she told me, “I told Freddy that he might consider a nice salad.  That would be healthy.”

“Umm… Jennifer, I don’t think salad would be very yummy for breakfast.”  I winked at her.  “Maybe eggs?  Would eggs be a healthy breakfast?”

“Eggs are healthy,” she said. “A great source of protein!”  Freddy just turned up his nose.  His heart was set on pancakes.

I only spend about 30 minutes with them, on days that I open the store, but they have found a place in my heart.
They have become a part of my “for such a time as this.”

…perhaps, I am there for such a time as this…

Esther 4:14b Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?

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For Such a Time as This


As I celebrated my 39th birthday, I reflected on the year that had just gone by…  I thought about all of the joys and all of the disappointments, I thought about where our family has been and where we are going, I thought about how much the kids have grown and all that they have learned.  As I was thinking about it all, I thought about a passage in the Bible.  Esther 4:14b says, “Yet who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?”  I believe that we can all relate that verse to our own lives.  “Who knows whether you have come to this State… City… school… job… etc…. for such a time as this?”  The Lord put us where we are for a reason.  We are here, in this very place, at this very moment, because He has a plan for us here…right where we are.

As I have spent so much of my time, over the past year, grumbling about my circumstances, I have forgotten to ask God why He has me here.  What does He want me to do with my “such a time as this”?

As I homeschool my kids, as we go to co-op, as we go to church and Wednesday night activities, as I go to work, as I make dinner and wash laundry, as I snuggle with Adrian and watch a movie, as I cuddle with a sick wee one in the late hours of the night, as I watch for Adrian to come home from work… in all things, I will ask the Lord what His plan is for my “such a time as this.”

THIS TIME…. This time that God has given me…. I will use it to bring Him glory.  I will use it to show Jesus to others through me.  I will stop wasting my “such a time as this.”

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
And lean not on your own understanding;
In all your ways acknowledge Him,
And He shall direct your paths.

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2 Timothy 1:7
For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

I look in the mirror and I don’t even recognize the girl in the reflection.  The girl staring back at me has changed so much in the past two years.  

I will never forget the moment that Adrian and I, with a van full of Littles, pulled away from our house in New Prague, Minnesota.  I looked at him, squeezed his hand, and felt so much excitement at what the future would hold.  We had just sold our house, packed everything we owned into two semi truck trailers, and loaded our essentials into our camper.  We began our journey west to Williston, North Dakota.  We were chasing a dream.

I wish that I would have known, then, what I know now.  That this journey… this new job, with all of it’s promises… would require more sacrifice from our family than we could afford to give.  That there would be disappointment upon disappointment in Williston because of the housing market.  I wish that I would have known that we would spend 18 months trying to have a house built that would never be, and that the builder would take all of our money before informing us that he wouldn’t build our home.  I wish that I would have known that we’d find our “dream house,” 6 hours from Adrian’s office, and I would often be left alone with the Littles.  I wish that I would have known that I would have to take on a job, after staying home for the past (almost) 18 years.  I wish that I would have known how desperate I would feel, to go back to the way things were.

I have always felt a sense of pride in being “Beckie – full time wife and stay-home, homeschooling momma.”  I have always loved having Adrian home for dinner (nearly) every night.  I have felt safe, with him sleeping next to me in our bed.  I found security in the basics of what made us a family.  Now I feel like it’s all been turned upside down and shaken.  I don’t know how to navigate this new life. I miss my old life.

The girl in the mirror looks nothing like the girl I remember…and I really miss that girl.

The Lord is changing me…molding me…
I will go where He leads…and I will be the girl He wants me to be. 

Isaiah 48:17
Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer,
The Holy One of Israel:
“I am the Lord your God,
Who teaches you to profit,
Who leads you by the way you should go.”


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